I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
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I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.