Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
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I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
#gardening
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd