ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
You Might Also Like
last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“can i dim the lights
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.