when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
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I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?