@MNateShyamalan

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

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ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

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@ivadixit

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@amishschool

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

@junejuly12

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

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“can i smoke in here?”
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@jonnysun

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

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@daemonic3

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis