@SomeChrisTweets

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

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@Bexdora

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

@carinahsieh

imagine a rom com so perfect they never end up together and just stay enemies with sexual tension until they both die

@usermcuserface

10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.

@kwirkyKerri

I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

@dafloydsta

[first day as a lawyer]

ME: Clearly my client is guilty, your Honor.

JUDGE: *pinching bridge of nose* Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

@lmwortho

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

@timdonakowski

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*