For the baby who has everything
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
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I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan