When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
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Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂