When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”

You Might Also Like


God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.


Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter


[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio


Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right


Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.


I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”


“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”


[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*