…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.