When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”

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Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”


All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.


“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters


“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”


So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.


I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone


So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea


“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”


I told you I’m busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?