Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”
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Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I told you I’m busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?