When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀