When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food