I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t