When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.