[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it’s an intervention for me
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Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me: Well, obviously.
I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?
Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
“IF YOU’RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON–” “stop rapping, Grandma” “–I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN’T ONE”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them