@Kappa_Kappa

When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it’s an intervention for me

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@rebrafsim

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

@TheWidowmakerX

I’m afraid I’m gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me

@ThisOneSayz

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@meowsepink

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

@MollyERA

“IF YOU’RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON–” “stop rapping, Grandma” “–I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN’T ONE”

@SortaBad

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them