My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
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{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
This forever.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?