Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
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So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now