People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me trying to reach for my goals
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early