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My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal