I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
o shit
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.