@LooseTalks_Girl

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.

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@JamesCoolie

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

@lmwortho

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

@dafloydsta

I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.

@Lhlodder

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

@ilovepie84

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

@NrouteHQ

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

@NoogsCorner

An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.

@BoomBoomBetty

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.