When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.

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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare


I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.


Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything


I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.


My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.


Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.


Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa


An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.


[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.