[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
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Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Am I having a stroke?
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party