@Ygrene

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

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@BoomBoomBetty

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

@MandaPandaXo4

Everybody says salads are good for you but nobody wants to talk about the fact that a bag of Doritos has never been recalled for E Coli.

@DaddyJew

[me flirting]
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?

@Phoebetate

Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I’m too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I’m not too old for a pimple on the forehead

@tweetsbyrocket

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no

@bracealmighty

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH