@Ygrene
@BoomBoomBetty [first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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@BoomBoomBetty 
@MandaPandaXo4 Everybody says salads are good for you but nobody wants to talk about the fact that a bag of Doritos has never been recalled for E Coli.
@causticbob why no one uses midhusbands
@DaddyJew [me flirting]
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?
@PinkCamoTO “But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
@Phoebetate Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I’m too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I’m not too old for a pimple on the forehead
@tweetsbyrocket sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
@bracealmighty My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
@ceejoyner The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
@flashember [Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH