@Ygrene

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

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@TheSharona06

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

@NiceLittleWife

When I go to Victoria’s Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they’ll really look.

@AmberDonn

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

@tigersgoroooar

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

@robdelaney

Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.

@CantWaitToNap

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

@mom_tho

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

@hunz74

A scientist said that fish will evolve into “flish” & will be able to fly. Now I can’t stop thinking about “flarks, flhales & flea horses.”