@MistookMistake: I always carry a flashlight with me. That way, if someone locks me in their car trunk, I can entertain myself with cool shadow puppets.

@KeetPotato: me: "we commemorate the day you died every year" jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?" me: "bad friday"

@sarahkendzior: My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under "affiliation" on the form she wrote "Sarah's mom" 😂

@ThatRascalPuff: No need to write it down, I've a photographic memory *looks hard af* *pukes polaroid*

@robdelaney: Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.