[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.


When I go to Victoria’s Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they’ll really look.


Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.


not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.


Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.


Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.


6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-


H: Your mom is very smart


A scientist said that fish will evolve into “flish” & will be able to fly. Now I can’t stop thinking about “flarks, flhales & flea horses.”