[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

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[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.


Everybody says salads are good for you but nobody wants to talk about the fact that a bag of Doritos has never been recalled for E Coli.


[me flirting]
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?


Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I’m too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I’m not too old for a pimple on the forehead


sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no


My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.


The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.


[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-