Florida be like…
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
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“haha this costume party is great”
“sir PLEASE get off the table”
“cool librarian costume”
*sprays silly string*
“hey dude nice police costu
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION