@TheBoydP

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

You Might Also Like

@poopiest

“haha this costume party is great”
“sir PLEASE get off the table”
“cool librarian costume”
*sprays silly string*
“hey dude nice police costu

@Marlebean

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

@sarcasticmommy4

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

@stuckinaportal

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

@Tmoney68

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

@Lerky

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

@climaxximus

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

@spies_please

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

@BoogTweets

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION