When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
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ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
channeling her this year
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
We need more people like this.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s