When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.