When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
You Might Also Like
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
584.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.