When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.