When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

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Guys, the history of marathons is kinda wack …. a guy in ancient greece died after running 26 miles & what do we do to honor him? We run 26 miles & … NOT die ? ppl decided to just flex on him for the rest of eternity? If anyone pulls smthng like that on me it’s instant hands


There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.


Psychiatrist cannibal by day, pop star singing sensation by night

Hannibal Montanibal


You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she’s probably not into you.


*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.


reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback


Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”


And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.


I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.