@ddsmidt

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

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@MariaSmal_

Guys, the history of marathons is kinda wack …. a guy in ancient greece died after running 26 miles & what do we do to honor him? We run 26 miles & … NOT die ? ppl decided to just flex on him for the rest of eternity? If anyone pulls smthng like that on me it’s instant hands

@realHamOnWry

There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

@cervixsmash

Psychiatrist cannibal by day, pop star singing sensation by night

Hannibal Montanibal

@Bacon_Ball

You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she’s probably not into you.

@FeverFlave

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

@robwhisman

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

@BwanaChris

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

@heyitsJudeD

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

@causticbob

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.