Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
i smell a pulitzer
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him