When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
You Might Also Like
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
They also CAN sing✌️
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”