@Brianhopecomedy: When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.
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@TheBoydP: Who's the idiot that made the rule that the nicest restaurants must give you the smallest portions?
@ShortSleeveSuit: GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
@Mr_Kapowski: I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts