When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
So, can we agree on 4 or
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.