@Brianhopecomedy: When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.
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@Holy_Mowgli: GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing AARON: aardvark GOD: no you're fired LLOYD: llama GOD: fired PTOBY: hang on, I got this
@mayamanion: I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.
@aPunch2theJunk: Ladies: If a man approaches you and he's wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still. Their vision is based off movement.