When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
The biggest mystery of our time
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets