ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
You Might Also Like
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.