When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about