When someone says, “Good luck with that” they actually mean “Let me grab some popcorn so I can watch you fail.”

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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.


I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.


Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?


The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says “who?” but you still killed a baby.


Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.


Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.


I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.


WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work