At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
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Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.