@littlelady899: When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
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@sah_nursemom: Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm? Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material. H: Me: H: I think it’s time to take a break... Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision. H: ...from twitter
@JediGigi: Him:You married? Me:Aww You think I'm that pretty? H:Ma'am just filling out your pape- M:SO I'M UGLY? H:I'll tell the therapist to hurry
@online_shawn: Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her
@Reverend_Scott: You excited to watch the Super Bowl? "Ya, but only cuz the commercials." [sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]