Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
When someone says “Happy New Years” I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
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At what age is it acceptable to completely let yourself go physically? Please say 44
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.
The remake is a box office flop.
A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.