My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
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I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
$3 #books
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
ready to be harvested
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear