When someone says “I have a secret,” they don’t intend to have a secret for much longer.

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There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.


Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…


Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!


SON: *first word* momma.


ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.


My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.


“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink


After 3 days, the dryer should just eject all the shit you left in there so you’re forced to stop using it as another drawer.


Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.


If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.


ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast