@UnFitz

When someone says “I have a secret,” they don’t intend to have a secret for much longer.

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@FrizerkaSandra

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

@InternetHippo

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

@HellRaisingHell

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

@cepheusjackson

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

@lmegordon

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

@bridger_w

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

@KarateDonuts

After 3 days, the dryer should just eject all the shit you left in there so you’re forced to stop using it as another drawer.

@Grind_n_Roll

Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.

@dave_cactus

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast