If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.
One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you’ll eventually be abducted.