When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
the #horror is real!
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.