@AskBellaWagner

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

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@BriarSlyMadness

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

@TheHeartlessBoy

Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.

@trevso_electric

One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.

@HatfieldAnne

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

@murrman5

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

@NYC_Blonde

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

@HiddenPinky

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

@JesKeepSwimming

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

@justaride

If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you’ll eventually be abducted.