Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?
Me: Hey! Come back!
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence*
“Oh, hey sorry; finish your story.”
Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don’t want to now.
hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min
You’re a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
*sees person I know in a crowd*
* realizes I don’t know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*