When someone says something stupid my rump wiggles like a water buffalo getting shot by a tranquilizer dart and I walk away a few paces before collapsing on a termite hill

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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.


Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet


We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.


Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said


Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.


I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.


DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys


A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.