@six_2_and_even

When someone says something stupid my rump wiggles like a water buffalo getting shot by a tranquilizer dart and I walk away a few paces before collapsing on a termite hill

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@tchrquotes

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

@TheIntComShow

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@thedad

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

@TheAlexP

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

@Fickle_Filly

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

@roxiqt

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

@frankpallotta

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.