Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
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My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Saw online –
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.