@dumbbeezie

When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.

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@AKcrazy18

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

@roxiqt

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

@bromanconsul

sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff

@jtrulez

Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*

@DrakeGatsby

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

@HomeProbably

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

@Adar79Angie

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

@drhappyknuckles

First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

@nachosarah

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up