Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
It’s all fun and games till a Murder Hornet gets caught under your mask.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Hair Stylist: What are we doing today?
Me: Let’s do something that will look great here but I’ll have no chance of replicating at home
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked