@dumbbeezie

When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.

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@FU_TangClan

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

@clichedout

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

@bighandsmassuer

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

@Marcmywords2

It’s all fun and games till a Murder Hornet gets caught under your mask.

@lecalabara

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

@bornmiserable

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

@TheWoodenslurpy

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

@Mr_Kapowski

Hair Stylist: What are we doing today?

Me: Let’s do something that will look great here but I’ll have no chance of replicating at home

@Chhapiness

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked