I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
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You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.