When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
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If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
If you love someone, let them tweet.