When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available


You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking


Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE


Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?


murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-



Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
Gf: What?
Me: What?


angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished


The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.