When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.
Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I’m sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?
911: Did you ring yesterday?
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Your time difference cannot harm me. My insomnia is like a shield of steel.
Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.