When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch


ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.


Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I’m sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?


911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu


Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous


My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.


Your time difference cannot harm me. My insomnia is like a shield of steel.


Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.


Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.


I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.