when someone says ‘your flys down’ it implies that 1) i have a fly and 2) hes having a bad day

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DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this


Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”


*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”


MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha


Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.


do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor


me: hey bud, guess what?

4: what

me: I love you

4: not now I’m busy


A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.


*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Starts making car alarm sounds*


Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.