If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
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well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Brands during Pride
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper