@morebees

when someone says ‘your flys down’ it implies that 1) i have a fly and 2) hes having a bad day

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@Home_Halfway

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

@Donna_McCoy

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

@Jesssicle

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

@jonnysun

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

@POTerritory

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

@RaxKingIsDead

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

@kaL12578

me: hey bud, guess what?

4: what

me: I love you

4: not now I’m busy

@njlitigator

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

@professorxavi

*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Panics*
*Starts making car alarm sounds*

@Tmoney68

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.