Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
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You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
stop
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?