*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
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I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”