Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
guy inventing boomerang: I want this stick to kill someone behind me
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.