When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?