@Starlight2112

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

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@TheRolo

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

@MakesYouGiggle

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

@vodkanopants

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

@millercycle

guy inventing boomerang: I want this stick to kill someone behind me

@ElitatheLibra

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

@WhitneyCummings

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

@NurseSeymour

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.