[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡