When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
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*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.