@Josievorenkamp

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

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@JessObsess

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

@LostCatDog

My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no

@Sickayduh

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.

@fowlerism

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

@NicestHippo

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard

@KentWGraham

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

@bigracksonly

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.