When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
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My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.