History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift
WIFE: you’re so overly dramatic
ME: no i’m not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting “no he’s not”] dammit guys, not now
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president