@ITomHorvat

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

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@Fred_Delicious

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

@Vodkantots

My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.

@BunAndLeggings

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

@AaronFullerton

“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift

@trentistweeting

WIFE: you’re so overly dramatic
ME: no i’m not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting “no he’s not”] dammit guys, not now

@dorsalstream

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

@junejuly12

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

@SmartassChef

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

@OBiiieeee

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

@TheDweck

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president