When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
You Might Also Like
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.