When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

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If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!


[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!


The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.


People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.


Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.



-the first person to drink coffee


When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.


2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”


[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.