@iGreenMonk

When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

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@Johnniemmanuel

If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!

@panmidwest

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

@BadassBarbie11

The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.

@BigPlanetEarth

People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.

@Darlainky

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

@TheAlexNevil

“WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW?”

-the first person to drink coffee

@BlACk__ThRoaT

When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.

@mommajessiec

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

@Tommytoughstuff

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.