My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered