@iGreenMonk

When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

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@Parkerlawyer

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

@RoastedPapad

She : It’s not working between us.
He : Why ?
She : For starters I can’t handle your silly jokes.
He : Hmm okay and for main course ?

@laurajaylovette

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@pezzamissed

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

@jukeboxsauce

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

@Jarhead44

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

@AshleyFrankly

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

@3sunzzz

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.