When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

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Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.


She : It’s not working between us.
He : Why ?
She : For starters I can’t handle your silly jokes.
He : Hmm okay and for main course ?


Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping


Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.


Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up


My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.


Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.


me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on


Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.


Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.