@AlexvanBeek

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

You Might Also Like

@DjJazzyJeffro

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

@Brampersandon_

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

@sarabellab123

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

@CakeThrottle

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

@Dawn_M_

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

@realHamOnWry

I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’

@Teowulf

When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, “no one cares.”

@zachreinert03

Any dance can be a no pants dance. In fact, might be a fun way to bring back the Macarena

@ericonederful

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

@LMFOFL

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.