A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’
When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, “no one cares.”
Any dance can be a no pants dance. In fact, might be a fun way to bring back the Macarena
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.