When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
No. He’s not coming out to play
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!