When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Education is vital
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
#TopTip
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.