When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment