When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
You Might Also Like
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Who needs an Air Fryer?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*