@subtweetopath

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

You Might Also Like

@theshamingofjay

What is everyone writing songs about?

John: revolution

Paul: forgiveness

George: true love

Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus

@flaccidumbrella

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

@theevilwriter

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

@OtherDanOBrien

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

@humanaaron

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

@LurkAtHomeMom

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

@PetrickSara

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

@TheAndrewNadeau

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked