When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
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“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right