What is everyone writing songs about?
George: true love
Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
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ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
cop: you’re free to go
cop: go on now
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked